


Pain

by DreamingOf4A



Series: The story of a champion [4]
Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: Anxiety, Depression, Gen, Heavy Angst, Injury, Insecurity, Lead up to Boston 2016, Rumors, Tabloids
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-28
Updated: 2019-03-28
Packaged: 2019-12-25 18:07:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,388
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18266663
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DreamingOf4A/pseuds/DreamingOf4A
Summary: "Pain.He was no stranger to pain.No, in fact, he and pain were very closely acquainted.Had been for most of his life."





	Pain

**Author's Note:**

> Heads up: this is a very depressing story. I wrote it some time ago, but decided to post it now as a sort of exorcism to the current dark emotions we've all been goig through after Worlds. And also perhaps to show that Yuzu has gone through much more difficult times than this. However, this story, this part of the bigger story of Yuzu, does not end happily. So if you think that's too much for you, please don't read it ^_^.
> 
> I promise the next part will be more light hearted, traveling back in time and touching upon a new topic, for me.

_Disclaimer: This story is fiction and does not in any way reflect on the real life people that share their names with these characters. It is also not intended to offend or disrespect and it exists simply because I find it really interesting to imagine how other people - potentially - live their lives._

Pain.

He was no stranger to pain.

No, in fact, he and pain were very closely acquainted.

Had been for most of his life.

Whether it had been the pain of his lungs trying and failing to inflate properly, or the pain of scraping off layers of skin on the ice, or the pain of skating with sprained ankles and twisted knees or the pain of crashing into a fellow skater, or the pain of an infected, bleeding hole in his stomach.

Or, worst of all, the pain of losing a gold medal he knew he had the ability to win, but could just not get himself together enough to actually do it.

He was in pain again as he lay down on his childhood bed, staring at the ceiling.

He didn’t know what time it was, but it was late.

He’d gotten back from Nationals earlier that day and had just barely managed to force down some food before retiring to his room, claiming tiredness.

He wasn’t actually tired, though.

Not really.

He felt numb aside from the pain thrumming through his foot. And that in his chest. And the fear. But mostly, he felt numb.

He’d studied enough psychology to know he was depressed, with a hint of anxiety.

He hadn’t told anyone, although he knew both his mother and Brian had noticed something wasn’t quite right. Neither would pry before he was ready to talk, though, and so he kept his thoughts to himself.

It wasn’t like anyone else would understand anyway.

He’d broken six records in two weeks.

He’d won his 3rd consecutive Grand Prix Final.

He’d won his 4th consecutive National Title.

Who would be depressed?

However, his performance at Nationals was a disgrace, especially as it followed the records.

As he had feared, it seemed Barcelona had been his peak and from here on, the only way was down. He hoped it was still salvageable.

Worlds was so far ahead it was almost like another season.

He also hoped it was just the peak of this season. Not the peak of his entire career. He was only 21. He could not have his career end at 21!

But the biggest thing overshadowing this hope and feeding the fear was his stupid foot.

His left foot this time.

The arch hurt a lot. Especially during the toeloop, but often even during other jumps, as well.

Now, it hurt even when he walked. Even when he lay in bed.

It wasn’t unbearable at times like this. But it was constant and pulsing. Made him think of a time bomb.

He feared that when this bomb went off, peaking would be the least of his worries.

On top of it all, he’d received an email from a former classmate, saying she was getting messages from friends and other former classmates congratulating her on her upcoming nuptials with Yuzuru Hanyu. She’d been very upset - she had a boyfriend and although she had explained to him it wasn’t true, it was still a strain on their relationship.

Confused, he’d searched the internet until he found it. Some tabloid had claimed he was about to marry a former classmate. A girl who helped him a lot to keep up with classes while he was away and with whom he’d maintained a very close relationship. Then, the ever reliable to stir up shit 2ch had actually identified her - even if not naming her outright.

Taking a shuddering breath, Yuzu thought she should be happy if it was only friends and classmates teasing her. There was danger of some of his crazier fans actually finding her and cyber bullying her.

He made a mental note to talk to Kobayashi-san the next day about it. He’d put out a statement if necessary. Although the federation usually preferred ignoring the tabloids. Addressing their crap only gave them the attention they seeked, as Kobayashi-san once explained to him. Even if they wrote Yuzu had not been in Sendai when the earthquake struck. Ignoring it means it doesn’t exist. Except it does and sometimes people get hurt, because there are people who do read that crap.

His own pain was fine. He was used to it.

But he could not forgive himself if he let someone else get hurt because of him. Still, he didn’t want to give that girl hopes before he knew what he could do, so he didn’t reply to her.

Not to her second or third mail either. Not as she told him how the situation was rapidly escalating, with now distant friends and family asking about it, too.

Or with some reporters - surely tabloid reporters - calling her parents’ house.

He promised himself he’d make it his top priority.

However, in a few more days he would have to travel to earthquake and tsunami affected areas again.

His chest squeezed painfully again.

Nobody knew what going back did to him.

His trauma from the earthquake was a still open wound that he usually taped up and hid from the world.

On some days, it was like at nationals the year before. Bleeding and puss filled. Painful and life-threatening.

On other days, it seemed almost healed or at least like the edges had finally stuck together.

Going back was like tearing it open and poking at it with a hot iron.

But it didn’t matter.

It was his duty.

It was also his desire.

For as long as he breathed, he would not allow the world to forget what happened on March 11th 2011. Not after all the stories he’d seen or heard. Somebody had to and as he had the power to do it, he would.

Even if it killed him a little bit more inside every time he went there and remembered.

This time, he’d agreed to a re-enactment of his days in the evacuation centre.

He knew his own experience was minimal compared to so many others. But he hoped showing how bad it was for him would help people understand how much worse it must have been for all the others.

He was sure he would also get bashed for it. For showing his sob story when there was so much worse out there. But talking about anything aside from his own experience would be worse. So he’d have to grit his teeth and bear it.

More pain.

He did wonder sometimes just how high his pain threshold was.

He wondered if one day all the pain would be too much to handle anymore.

He wondered if it was possible to die from pain. Physical, but especially emotional.

He supposed he’d find out eventually.

Truth was, he was so tired already.

He felt like he fought, breathed, lived just out of habit.

Fighting was as natural to him as breathing.

Yuzuru Hanyu did not give up.

It had nothing to do with ambition or perseverance. It was simply his reality. Not even a conscious choice.

In fact, he wasn’t sure when was the last time he’d made a conscious choice that was not based on something inside of him telling him it was what he must do.

When he’d decided to aim for a second Olympic Gold, he’d already made all the choices up to that. There were no real options, just things he had to do in order to achieve that.

But even going for the second gold hadn’t really been a choice.

It had been what he knew he had to do to deserve the first one, too.

If he looked back, he’d probably find most of his ‘choices’ so far had been the same.

Since moving to Canada.

Or maybe since the earthquake.

Or maybe since he was born.

He was too tired to really analyze.

Not physically.

Sleep was still just a far away dream.

He was mentally and emotionally tired.

Thinking about the upcoming trips, the ice shows, then going back to Canada, training and then Worlds made him want to crawl under his blanket and not come back out until mid April. Maybe on Javi’s birthday or so.

Javi.

Usually, thinking about Javi made him feel fuzzy, warm and happy. Much like the man’s hugs.

However, talking to Brian about their future plans, the coach told him Javi was planning to up his technical content. And that he was serious about defending his title.

Apparently, Javi had felt left behind after Yuzu’s record breaking performances in Barcelona. And was aiming to try catching up.

As if he expected Yuzu to always perform at that level from now on.

It was terrifying.

Yuzu loved Javi and wanted what was best for him and admired him honestly.

However, in this moment, when Yuzu feared he might never be able to reach that level again, this information was terrifying.

What if Javi would continue to soar ever higher while Yuzu would just crash and burn?

He hated himself for wishing Javi had never done this. For thinking why did Javi suddenly get a competitive spirit. For wishing Javi would just continue being his rock and his safety blanket and his safe rival.

It was kind of funny.

There were thousands of people out there who loved him and idolized him and looked up to him.

And in the meantime, he hated himself for many things.

Being unfair to Javi was just one.

But it hurt.

It really, really hurt.

He realized he’d stupidly thought Javi was part of Team Yuzu and his main role was to push him further. To motivate him to improve himself. Javi had done so many things for him and never really beat him that he’d somehow come to that conclusion.

And then Javi won Worlds in front of him.

But in a way, that had been ok. Yuzu had had a nightmare of a year, so it wasn’t surprising he would fail to win.

However, now, with Javi deciding he wouldn’t take Yuzu’s advance laying down, it finally hit Yuzu.

Javi wasn’t in Team Yuzu.

Javi was in Team Javi.

And he would do his best for Team Javi.

And it hurt.

It was so stupid, but it hurt.

It was like Yuzu’s entire reality had been shaken up. Like an earthquake of his mind and heart. Shaking things up and forcing him to face things he did not want to face.

And on top of that, he wondered what team Brian and Tracy were on.

He realized for the first time that sharing coaches with Javi and the rest had never bothered him because he hadn’t fully perceived Javi as a rival.

Now that he did, he felt insecure.

Rationally, he knew.

Brian and Tracy cared about both of them and even if, emotionally, they might lean more one way or the other, they were too professional to let that influence their coaching.

Brian and Tracy were as fair and impartial as it was humanly possible.

Humanly possible was not perfect, though, and Yuzu knew, because of his own personality, that under certain circumstances, he would miss out.

It had never bothered him before. His path to the next Olympics had been so clear cut, he hadn’t felt like he needed anything more than pure coaching from the Cricket team. He hadn’t felt like he needed their advices or their support beyond giving him a training schedule, input on his program content and helping him improve all elements.

He knew that Javi and others counted on their coaches for more than that. Including moral support, advice on things not happening on the ice or in a program. Support in their private lives.

It was ok. Yuzu had his mother with him at all times and his sister and father only a call away.

He’d also grown fairly independent in all skating related things, after training without a coach for a while, after the earthquake. He’d learned how to handle everything on his own. He’d done it quite a few times after moving to Toronto, too. Going back home to Sendai and practicing in the dead of the night, with Brian’s emailed instructions as his own guidance.

He had failed to imagine that one day he would come to a point where what he could do by himself was not enough. And where there was nothing his family could do for him.

He felt a bit like he’d climbed his way to a mountain top, bare hands on jagged rocks, complete tunnel vision in the process, focusing on nothing but the summit. And then, after making it, realizing he was stranded there, all alone, and the only way down was in a painful and possibly fatal fall.

Or maybe something less dramatic than that, a cat climbing up a tree and unable to come back down. Needing rescue from firefighters.

Yuzu was not used to being rescued, not anymore. He knew he would metaphorically scratch the hell out of anyone who tried.

He probably wouldn’t even call for help.

But he would still be alone and scared somewhere at the top, unable to get back down.

Not that he actually wanted to get down.

He liked it at the top. It was pretty much all he knew.

Even being alone wasn’t that much of an issue.

Despite his close-knit family, they’d always respected his privacy and so he was used to and comfortable living in his head for long periods of time.

He liked solitude.

Usually.

But the thought of falling was terrifying.

And being terrified all on your own, especially while feeling you have to hide that from everyone is… hard.

Painful.

And perhaps adds another layer of fear to the whole thing.

Just like his ticking time bomb foot, his mind felt like a ticking time bomb, too.

He knew that breakdown might not be a bad thing. In fact, it’d most likely be better than this state of emotional limbo.

He only hoped he’d be able to hold out until after Worlds.

And that it wouldn’t happen in public

Or, worse, on the ice.

**Author's Note:**

> Just for the record, I did not want to dig too deep into that scandal again, so the details were part memory, part made up. As such, please don't consider them facts. Also, going back to earthquake affected areas affecting Yuzu is also my interpretation and he has never hinted at something like that (even if it were true, I doubt he would say it).
> 
> Thank you!


End file.
